Well, I’ve done it again. I’ve somehow removed myself from the one thing that’s been a sure source of motivation and inspiration in my life lately: my blog.
You could argue that your significant other or your kids or nature hikes or what-have-you are sources of happiness, but they’re not. Not really. It’s the way we perceive those people and events, how we process and engage in those experiences and interactions. Our happiness is directly proportional to our compound ability and willingness to perceive goodness. In other words, it’s not you, it’s me. It seems too simple to be accurate, but I believe it fully, at least for myself. Unfortunately, I have the willingness, but not always the ability. And as we all know, anything multiplied by zero is zero.
But I’m trying. God help me, I’m trying.
I’ve been mentally flogging myself for not having written my St. Baldrick’s follow-up post yet, seeing as how the event was now over a month ago. Ugh. I honestly don’t know what my hang-up has been. I’ve been preoccupied, I guess. Struggling to be happy has been the biggest challenge. I try to keep this blog focused on the positive, so when I’m not feeling it, nothing gets written. I also procrastinated (yet again) on filing my tax forms. I also had doctor appointments (some out of town), applied to grad school, and got myself back on an anti-depressant. In full disclosure, I’ll add that I’ve also been playing a lot of Skyrim lately, but that’s more a symptom of depression (escape) than a causal agent.
Then I read a blog post that really got me thinking. (If you’re on the Facebook page, you may have seen me share the post yesterday.) As usual, Rachel of the Hands Free Mama blog and The Hands Free Revolution hit the nail on the head with her post, “Six Words You Should Say Today.” I always appreciate her simple, inspiring reminders on how to “let go of daily distraction and perfection to grasp what truly matters in life.” I would encourage you to read it.
Did you read it? Great. Here was my comment on that blog post:
Rachel, I’ve been so disconnected lately; from blogging, from friends, even from my kids and spouse. This really hit home for me. I find myself wishing it were so easy to say those six words to my kids, resenting myself over the fact that it should be so easy and that I’m the one making it difficult.
Lately I’ve allowed myself to be personally affected by the near-constant tension between my son and step-son due to the tension it’s caused in my relationship with Karin. But in so doing, I’ve also distanced myself from the good moments. I haven’t been feeling those moments you describe where you feel your heart may burst. I used to. I need to reclaim that right as a parent, for myself and my kids.
I also mentioned that she’d helped bridge a connection between my heart and mind. For me, that’s what blogging is all about. She put it out there, I read it, and it resonated with me. It wrote itself on my brain, and I took it home with me. Then I tried it out. I was pretty down most of the evening, but I found an opportunity at bedtime and grabbed it. I used the six words (replacing “play” with “read”) and it did make a difference; for both me and my son. It’s a baby step, but I’ll take anything I can get right now.
So here we are. I’m back to blogging (for now) and you’re back here reading, hopefully making a connection similar to the one I made yesterday. If you do feel that click, be sure to let me know in the comments section. And if I do disappear again or start disconnecting, please remember: it’s not you, it’s me.
P.S. Thanks for sticking around even when I take unexpected breaks. I appreciate you.