This post is dedicated to all the dads/parents who desperately love their kids, but have a hard time seeing through the visual din of life with depression.
I have not been the kind of dad that I want to be. In fact, I am not the man I thought I’d be in many ways. I walk through life viewing the world around me like a movie. I come home from work feeling like a zombie, only to spend a few hours in a house that doesn’t feel like my own. I am disengaged; from work, from you, from life in general.
I wish I could say that I’m doing the best I can with the resources I have, but I’m not sure I’m even doing that. I could spend five minutes each morning in silent meditation. I could talk to a doctor about medication options. I could exercise once in a while, even if it’s just running up and down the stairs for two minutes. I could go to bed half an hour earlier. There are plenty of things I could do; things of which I am fully aware that could have a positive affect on me and, subsequently, on you. By that same token, there are plenty of reasons I could cite for my apparent inability to do and be more, but they would be excuses.
The fact of the matter is: I have let you down, and I am sorry.
But then there are those rare moments when I do feel connected. As I sat on the couch the other night, F resting peacefully under my arm, I looked at the Christmas tree and thought, all of this is mine. I have a house with a tree, and my little blended family is here.
This is my home.
The fact that it was a strange feeling to me, a feeling that I noticed clearly popping out of the muted, hazy background, makes me so sad. I thought, shouldn’t this feeling be more the norm, and the other dull feeling the exception? It’s something I’ve struggled with for a long time. This is not an excuse, but an explanation of sorts.
I know you know I love you. What you don’t know is just how very much that is.
May I have the strength to do everything in my power to be the best dad I can be. May we both have patience and loving forgiveness when I don’t live up to my expectations. And may you always feel loved. Always.
This is my prayer.